In a weird series of events, the University has elected for all students to wear school uniforms. The move comes after much deliberation between the Colleges, Union and overall administration.
Starting from the beginning of the next academic year, students will be required to wear a uniform at all lectures and seminars with plans to introduce the new policy on Wind Street and at on-site pre-drink venues too.
Professor Marc Clement of the School of Management stated: “This is a great step in the right direction. We at the School of Management love finding things to manage and by having this new policy we can manage the student body in a much more manageable way. Manage.”
Outgoing Union President Lewys Aron shared his opinion too: “By having uniforms we’re able to distinguish ourselves as a heavy-weight University. As we all know from our high school days, having the right uniform naturally increased our ability to listen and learn. Nothing shows independence and work ethic like being told what to wear.”
The move comes in response to the well-written and well-researched report condemning the free-speech of the University and Union and is aimed to address those concerns. When reached for comment, a University Spokeswoman said this: “When we saw the report and all its findings we knew there was only one way we could address these concerns. That way was to remove all traces of being free at all. I mean, if you’re going to get a red rating you might as well go the whole way am’i’rite?” She then proceeded to high-five her fellow Union spokesperson and shout “Later nerds” to the gathered press before throwing on a pair of cool shades and walking into the sunset.
In order to gage student opinion we asked some of the student body what they thought of it. One student choosing to remain anonymous stated: “It’s a hard change to get used to. However I feel like we will eventually adjust.” They later added: “It’s just like going to a themed pre-drinks. Everyday. For three years.”
Another student residing in Hendrefoilan had this to say about the change: “There’s a University here? I thought that queue for the bus every morning was people trying to get their pre-drinks in for tonight”.
Another student, in Kilvey, added: “*Indistinguishable language and shouting*”.
THIS ARTICLE IS SATIRICAL AND NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY! HAPPY APRIL FOOLS!