Issue 149

Bond is Back

20th November 2006

Doing battle with megalomaniac villains on a daily basis, and canoodling with long legged beauties on a…well, who knows how many times a day, it's not surprising Bond has a habit of finding himself on the receiving end of a few hairy moments.

Front takes a look at her top five moments where Bond's cool teeters dangerously close to melting point…

5. Thunderball – Grievous Bodily Massage.

In possibly the most bizarre of all attempts to kill 007, Bond is nearly massaged to death. While strapped down for some much needed spine correction treatment, some dastardly chap up to no good cranks up the power and Bond is thrown back and forth and up and down at a rate of knots, while the massage bed can do nothing but lie back and think of England. Only after James passes out from the pain is he rescued by an obliging blonde nurse, whom he promptly blackmails into sleeping with him. Only in the sixties.

One question though, who on earth builds a massage machine that goes so fast it could kill a man?

4. Die Another Day

It shouldn't happen to a double 'O' agent. There are very few redeeming features in Die Another Day. In fact, save the 'who's got the bigger balls' chase between Bond's DB7 and Zao's XKR on the glacier, there is only one. And that's the title sequence. In a landmark moment for Bond, he's poisoned by a scorpion, near-drowned in a barrel of ice water, food poisoned and repeatedly beaten , finally traded back to MI5 after a period of years.

Having the confidence to beat and humiliate Bond was audacious on the part of the screenwriters, unfortunately the innovative quality stopped as soon as the titles did.

3. Goldeneye

'That can't happen in real life, I've tried it!' Legal proceedings kept Bond from our cinema screens for six years in the early 90s, so the makers of Goldeneye knew they had to think big to make the wait worthwhile. They didn't disappoint. He jumps off a dam, rendevous with 006, blows up a chemical weapons facility, and then, it's time for the good bit. Chased by a rather disgruntled army of Soviet soldiers, Bond rides off the edge of a cliff on a motorbike, skydives in through the open door of a falling aeroplane, and pulls it out of its free fall in the nick of time. Easy.

2. Live and Let Die

See you later Alligator… The film that had it all; the greatest boat chase in film history, an eight foot tall witch doctor and a tobacco spitting hillbilly policeman. Where on earth did they find time to have Roger Moore make stepping stones out of pond of hungry crocodiles?

Well, that's the beauty of Bond. Keep an eye out for Bond's slight slip on the final croc though, that is actually the poor stuntman getting nipped in the heel. Fact.

1. Goldfinger

It's just not cricket. Bond lays captive, his arms and legs clamped to spread eagle position, and a none-too-friendly laser is heading north, set to remove the most reliable weapon at his disposal. And then, that line, that glorious, immortal, tantamount to holy line: 'Do you expect me to talk?' 'No Mr Bond, I expect you to die.' Genius! That's it for Bond, he's done for, there is no possible way he can escape this situation, finally, a bad guy wants to kill Bond without the needless but obligatory small talk.

But no, alas, as always the bad guy's vanity cost him. Isn't that just always the way.

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