Issue 152

The real meanings: personal ads

12th February 2007

The comedy meanings behind those lonely hearts adverts.

• Men
• Women

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Men

• Good looking - arrogant
• Very good looking - arrogant and stupid
• Likes to cuddle - insecure
• Thoughtful - incapable of speech
• Physically fit - mirror gazer
• Stable - has had breakdown
• Art lover - likes porn
• Mature - old enough to be your dad
• Man of the world - has an STD
• Sociable - would-be swinger
• Poetic - writes you crap verses twice a year
• Musical - will make you sit through terrible concerts
• Educated - will patronise you
• GSOH - will take the piss the whole time
• Well endowed - beer belly
• Rich - useless with money
• Gentleman - slimy
• Eccentric - psychopath
• Likes animals - to eat, maybe

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Women

• Beautiful - arrogant
• Fat - eating disorder
• Curvy - big breasts
• Voluptuous - big breasts, fan of corsets
• Bubbly - loud
• Fun - loud
• Outgoing - loud
• Looking for soulmate - stalker
• Social - will call every 5 minutes
• Well travelled - been to Bridgend
• Exotic - drinks Malibu and pineapple
• Educated - has been to a lecture once
• Musical - loves karaoke: is no good at it
• GSOH - won't stop giggling
• Natural blonde - yeah right
• Princess - spoilt
• Honest - liar
• Interesting - clinically insane
• Animal lover - cat lady
• Wine lover - high maintenance alcoholic

Charlie Duff