Issue 154
Horoscopes: 12th March
Horoscopes: 12th March
12th March 2007
Mystic Myfanwy has had a bad week. She is mourning the death of a couple of her familiars, and has predicted a few hundred catestrophic events as a result. So be careful boys and girls, and always remember to bend your knees when lifting anything. Oh, and always use a condom (for sex, not lifting.)
Aries
A pigeon will tell you to shoplift this fortnight, but ignore it, that's what they say to everyone, michevious little biries. Nothing else can possibly go wrong, can it? There's always a chance!
Taurus
Whatever it is you're looking for is, in all probability, looking for you, ensuring you'll never find it, like when you and your flatmate are looking for each other in a supermarket. Try staying still!
Gemini
The big issue this time is how you are going to get all that done in an hour. Basically, you're not. However you will do much procrastinating on t'internet instead. Lucky sock is pink and needs a wash.
Cancer
You're feeling a little crabby this fortnight (Ha! Do you see what I did there? I've held that off all year, ha!) but worry not, this too will pass (who said that? Write in!) Lucky lipstick is none at all.
Leo
There's a massive thing going on. It's a secret though. Only joking, your duvet will mysteriously become warmer and your pillows larger. Or are you getting smaller? Solve that one, Holmes!
Virgo
It's never easy when you're trying to make pastry and it crumbles. What do you mean you've never made it? Shame on you! Anyway, you will have a strong need for pie, so get baking!
Libra
Just when you least expect it the heavens always open. You really need one of those umbrella hats I've seen in my crystal ball (you should try it, it's better than telly!) Make the most of your wellies.
Scorpio
I know it's always a struggle to get out of bed, but you should try it sometime, or you may turn into a koala. Now these look cute, but bite really hard. Or maybe you'd like that. Who knows.
Sagittarius
You are making a beeline for that bar but you should stop and ponder on the state of the universe a little first. Actually, stop right there, it'll make you want to drink more. Lucky, lucky, lucky you!
Capricorn
Yes, ok, ice isn't really a food, so stop eating it already! You will find there's a lot of things going on if you look. Looking is good, that way you walk into less things! Life is less bruising that way.
Aquarius
A squirrel will really annoy you this week. Have you considered that perhaps you are easily annoyed? And easily the most annoying? Not saying you are, just that you should consider it.
Picses
Your CV is lacking so I have provided some key words you should try to get in: anal, sofa, needy, excited, superhuman, parasite. Bound to nab you that dream position, surely! Lucky fruit - pear.
Mystic Myfanwe
Mystic MyfanweResident Psychic
Mystic Myfanwe is the Waterfront's resident psychic, stunning you with her accurate predictions