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The Merchant of Menace

• Daniel Budden
• 14 Feb 2007 09:00

The following excerpt is taken from the play "The Merchant of Menace." In this scene our hero, Poordanio, is trading at the local bazaar.

Act II Scene III

Poordanio (Soliloquy): And I didst use a trolley rather than a basket. Tho' mine items number just five, be they a brace of chickens and three goblets of Fanta, their weighte is such that using a basket wouldst mine arms rippeth off. Thus didst I use a trolley.

Wench One: Fair Poordanio, it is time we took our items to the trader, in exchange for pieces of silver.

Poordanio: Fetch me mine pouch oh Wench, so that I may count thy silver.

Poordanio and Wench One maketh their way to thy trading counter that doth sitteth below thine inscription "Baskets Only"

Trading Witch: Thou cannot pass, this way is preserved only for thine carriers of baskets.

Poordanio: Treachery! Mine items number just five. And behold! Here cometh a basket-carrier whose items doth number many more than couldst be counted except by divine eyes.

Trading Witch begins trading with basket-carrier of infinite items. It taketh bloody ages. Poordanio, in thy most sarcastic manner, dumpeth his trolley but two paces away from thy trading counter.

Poordanio: Behold! I have returned after I didst dumpeth my trolley whereupon I stood, and didst carry in mine arms my items, numbering five, to thine trading counter that didst stand but two paces away. May I now exchange my silver pieces in return for your Free-range chicken and Fanta, pretty-please?

Poordanio taketh a sign inscribed "Next shopper please" and placeth it on ye conveyor belt, and didst plonketh down his shopping before his arms didst rippeth off.

Poordanio: Vile trading witch! Now asketh me that question that doth pass your cruel lips upon the commencement of our weekly trading exchange, the question that striketh dread into thine hearts of brave men, the very same question stole from souls of mighty winged beasts that didst drink from thy blood of Jezebel. Asketh me that question vile fiend!

Trading Witch: Possesseth you ye Clubcard?

Having picketh up one hefty goblet of Fanta, Poordanio didst striketh down thy Trading Witch. All around didst applaudeth.

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